Dr. Darling put her hand on my knee and looked me in the eye. She had just told me my cancer had metastasized and that I was no longer a candidate for surgery. I was no longer considered curable. That my life expectancy was no more than a few years and might only be a matter of months.
Not an easy thing for her to tell me. Not an easy thing for me to hear.
"And now," she went on, "while you're still feeling strong and have the energy, might be a good time for you to put your affairs in order."
That was a conversation seared in my memory banks. For its clarity, it might have taken place an hour ago, but in truth over two months have now passed. The cancer has spread even further and I am in the midst of a second round of chemotherapy.
During those two months I have been learning that "putting your affairs in order" is not a simple task.
Linda and I have been to a lawyer and have had new wills drawn up. My medical coverage at work will run out on the 16th on this month and I have elected to retire, effectively cutting my income in half. Of course I have been working toward a plan to retire for some time, have cleared away my debts and have savings. Not the amount of savings I had hoped, due to the recession, but sufficient. More than sufficient if the doctor's timetable is correct.
But I also have an elderly mother whose pension only covers half the cost of her stay in a retirement home. I have been meeting the other half. Different arrangements have to be made to cover her costs and that will mean changes to her modest estate that will affect her will. Changes I will have to discuss with other family members.
These are things that need to be done. There are other changes that are options and need to be thought through but will have a significant effect on our lifestyle. Do we keep two cars? Do we keep a landline and a cell phone each? Do we keep the house or sell and move to a condo?
Do condos accept dogs?
What are the chances of our winning the lottery?
Linda and I have been working through these financial affairs through this past week and discovering one thing. Even for very modest estates like mine, financial planning is very complicated.
And very personal. The waves of change involved reach out and touch a lot of people, change a lot of lives.
We want to get this right.
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72 comments:
A very sobering post. Not easy to hear.
Your spirit seems strong, but I'm sure you don't feel that every day. In a way, it's probably good to have these tasks to focus on - even if they are complicated and stressful. It's terrific that you are debt free and have savings. Not too many of us can say that, and we should all get our affairs in order.
I've found the most difficult part is just getting bankers and financial planners to call you back.
Isn't financial planning called the dismal science, or something like that?
Or was that economics?
It must be tough slogging. I hope you are able to get it sorted relatively easily, so that you can enjoy your days.
There are clocks ticking Anvil. Decision needing to be made on the type of pension I'm going to choose (there are 4 different pension options) and papers that have to be submitted and financial planners who don't return phone calls in a timely manner.
But, by the end of the month, one way or another, this will all have been worked through.
Yes, a very dismal, but necessary science. Blessings and peace, coming at you, dear friend. ~x
And it all involves a lot of paper work, Willow.
Oh Barry . . . All this financial stuff can be so burdensome. So many details, choices and decisions. And then those damn forms - and, as you say the nonresponsive bureaucrats you must deal with, or not! I hope you can get it all behind you soon.
In the meantime I hope you are sticking with your incredible MEDS program. I am imagining healing energy from Mother Earth and the universe enveloping you.
Bonnie
I'm not sure if I should say anything but here I am commenting. This is one of those times when I want to be told that I am too young to understand. But like everyone else, I hope things will be taken cared of in due time and I hope you are putting first what is most important in your heart.
Take care.
Sobering thoughts indeed, and it is better to buckle down and get organized than to let things slide to tomorrow.
I hope that between the planning and the treatments that you'll be able to enjoy many special moments still. Spend quality time with family and friends, do some of the things you always meant to do someday, talk deeply to people you love. (Hm, sounds like the recipe for a perfect life - we should all do this all the time!)
I'm rooting for you, Barry! You have many good days yet!
I wasn't sure what to say reading this post. Tears stung my eyes and all I could think was that you didn't need to be dealing with all this. That you needed to be enjoying your time. So, I echo NanU. I hope this all works out soon and you find yourself with time to enjoy what is left of your life.
I am sticking to my MEDS program, Bonnie. I discovered on the weekend that I even have muscles once again. A bicep even. Woo Hoo.
Linda will soon be able to ask me to open stuck twist caps on jars again.
I have always had that renowned Scottish trait, thrift, Peenkfrik. So my finances are in reasonable shape.
Even so, there are a lot of complex decisions to be made.
Sadly the toll chemo is taking on my immune system, NanU, is keeping me kind of isolated. But we are doing what we can I'm going to a parade my Grandson is in for Remembrance Day on Wednesday and taking my brother and his wife to the movies for his birthday--to a weekday matinee when crowds are much smaller.
Some of those financial forms make me cry too Jessica. Still, it needs to be done and by the end of this month it will be done.
Then I can forget it and get on with life, or blogging, or something like that.
peenkfrik,
Oh, that we could all be too young to understand. I'd like that "too young" age back, right now! =D It's like putting your hands over your ears and singing out loud instead of listening. Oh, the days I wished I could do that, too!!
Between doctor appointments and tests , we are getting it done. It's a full time job. We need to be thankful that we have been given this time. Many do not get this time to organize their affairs.
It's odd that living is very busy right now (doctors,lawyers,banks) and is keeping us from focusing on the grim realities. The grim realities right now(chemo, H1N1,side effects) are keeping "living" out of touch . Everything in our world right now has become extraneous. Does that make sense to anyone?
Makes sense to me, Linda.
Of course I'm living it with you.
By the way, have we heard back from Jeff about the appointment with the banker yet? And, yes I know I need to call Ellesmere X-Ray Associates.
And don't forget we have to be at Dr. Verma's office for 12;30 today.
Is that it, do we have our afternoon free?
It sounds like you are well on your way to getting this stuff sorted out. Blechh. All those weighty financial decisions and that inscrutable legal-speak paperwork. Just the thought of it makes me want to keel over, like that big bronze bull.
Every decision affects every other decision, Kerry. I have four options for retirement some of which affect Linda and her pension, some impact on my Registered Savings plan at the bank, some impact on my life insurance options and all of them result in a different monthly amount.
And all are known by acronyms that are supposed to be so well known they don't need an explanation.
It gives me a chuckle to see you and Linda talking to each other thru your comment section. It's like Cuppa and I emailing each other form rooms across the hall. :)
Linda wrote her comment from her chair across the room from me, Anvil. I could reach out and touch her hand.
In fact, maybe I will.
Ah, financial crap... what a pain in the butt. I hope you're able to get all of the icky stuff done soon and can relax and enjoy time with family and friends.
...if it were me not getting calls back, I'd tell them or their message system to call you back as time is sort of "of the essence" due to your medical situation...that may help...of course, you've probably already done that, but, I hate waiting and there are times I'll do anything I can to stop waiting :)
Hugs and many prayers as always,
Meg
It's not so much that I hate waiting, Meghann, its that there are deadlines built into the system and a delay in making choice A, changes options in choice B and makes you miss the deadline for choice C.
I will be glad when this month is over and all the choices have been made.
Barry, I hope it's a few good years, not months. Get those affairs in order and then live it up!
Even before they found the tumor, I had been "preparing, so before the surgery there was no more for me to do. I find that I still need to review things, like the car i own, because I can not drive it. Okay I could drive it, but i would put myself and everyone else on the road with me at risk. It for some reason is still my choice.
The person who would suffer the most is my mom, who is 87. Emotionally, she would pass quickly. Right now her attitude is poor because I can not see her (8 hour drive, even with someone else driving is impossible, a few more months may make a train possible).
Even though I never thought so, I listened to others who said our time on the planet is limited and we need to be prepared, even if we think nothing will happen.
So they were right and it is something better faced in "good" shape than in not.
Dave and I started putting our affairs in order before our move and even though we've both been bankers we found it a chore! That said Dave was rushed into hospital last week and I know that with all the other things on his mind bank accounts and bills were the last thing he needed to worry about.
Good luck with your Bankers (a little tip to get them to return your calls is to be uber nice to them, use their first names and guilt them into doing their job!)
The first things that came to mind were, Oh, Christ, and fuck. Crappy news Barry, and getting your affairs in order includes taking care of yourself in the here and now.
Yes, a difficult time, complicated and heavy with decisions.
May you find some joy in the fact that you are still able to make decisions, and face things with a clear heart.
Barry, I think so many of us put our affairs aside hoping that the day will never come when we have to finally do it.
We never know with this disease if it will return again like so many do. We can only live our life to the fullest. I am hoping that soon you will get everything in order so that you can enjoy time with your wonderful and caring family.
I am glad I found your site and will continue to follow it.
Praying and sending you and your wife lots of (((Hugs)))
Jill.
Since I've only just met you, this makes me sad. I think my only comment would be that it's good that you have the time to say goodbye. I hope we have plenty of more time to get to know each other. Hugs and well wishes...
It is yet another blessing/curse. You have been given the 'gift' of foresight - the chance to deal with all of this so that your family isn't left with decisions.
But knowing the future is a terrible burdon, the source of myth and tragedy.
There is a very real chance that you will outlive me, or any of your devoted readers; we could any of us be gone with the next breath. We will have no chance of goodbyes.
I ache for you and your loved ones during this most trying of times.
But I also am filled with admiration and respect for the way you are handling this most unwanted 'gift'.
hugs
Yes. My mum is doing he same thing and it sucks.
Love to you
xxx
This is the dreaded post. Sending a virtual ((((hug))))your way
I got upset with a younger cousin this weekend who is unhappy with his life (divorced, single parent) and having suicidal thoughts. I got upset because he can still change what he doesn't like when others, like you, would do anything for more time.
I hope you get the paper work done rather quickly so you can relax and simply enjoy the time you have left with your loved ones doing what you love best.
This post has saddened me.
On a cheerier note, I love your new blog title picture!
Barry...please don't think that my lack of comments means that there is any lack of caring or love going your direction. Just the opposite. The only thing lacking is trying to find the "right" words to say.
Beaurocratic B.S! I will send you an email that will make you laugh, or at least shake your head.
I am sorry that you and Linda have to face this. I am sure that i speak for others, when I say that the world needs more couples like you and Linda. There is not enough love in the world, and a marriage made with true love and committment is a blessing for all of us to witness. I pray everyday that you can make a full recovery, in order for you and Linda to keep shining your light TOGETHER.
Btw, I just emailed hub and he is holding my hand. :D
I, too, felt heart-sick for you, and wanted to reach out and hold your hand for a while. Just to say, well... just to say that my thoughts are with you. It is not enough really, but it is all I can do plus send out my thoughts to you. Hope the paperwork work gets done quickly. God bless you. x
I found it adorable that you were talking to Linda through this, so you must be busy sharing the same space and asking her something here to help you remember...you are also right, being scottish does have its thrifty traits, I would know growing up with family that had money, but no one spent it...
You are in my thoughts and prayers
Wow, you have a lot of people loving you, Barry. Doctors can be wrong...so I am sticking with that scenario. Having said that I am glad you are working through all the business side of things now. I hate that each decision involves some sacrific and some change. But I am so glad that you have choices. I am not going to stop sending the good vibes your way, though. Guess I will send some right now.
Walking with you.
QMM
Barry, I know how stressful it was for TJ and I to get his affairs in order when he was first diagnosed as we knew from the beginning that we didn't have much time left. I so hated to be dealing with all that stuff when all I really wanted to do was just spend quality time with him. Having said all that, when he passed I was so grateful that everything was taken care of and I had very little to worry about other than missing him terribly. So, stick with it for Linda's sake, get it over with and then spend all the quality you can with your wonderful wife, trust me, she will appreciate every moment.
I admit my biggest fear is not dying itself but leaving behind a messy house and debt that my family will have to clean up.
Even healthy with no threat of death hanging over my head I struggle to 'put my house in order' and you, dealing with cancer and chemo and doing the same. Barry I think you have more engergy sick than me healthy. It's a real testament to your healthy lifestyle and all those long walks with Lindsay to keep you in shape.
Well, Barry, if I win the lottery before you do, your financial problems will be solved. Hey, stranger things have happened.
It is good to put your affairs in order but don't let anyone think you are going anywhere. I have hope for you - lots of hope.
Glad your biceps are back. I'll bet you really look like Brenner now.
I have been so busy I have had not had time to do many posts. But I think about you every day Barry. I really do.
"You bee well."
Barry, I am touched by your words: "The waves of change involved reach out and touch a lot of people, change a lot of lives."
I have experienced the wisdom of these words in my own life and challenge with illness.
I am also touched by your vulnerability, your honesty.
May we all follow your example regardless of our health status.
May you be blessed with clarity, hope and courage, especially as you put your affairs in order.
I remember having to help my mother put everything in order when she was diagnosed as being terminal...it still amazes me how flippant people can be when you tell them WHY you need to have them help you get things in order...it's as if they're saying "hey, it's not ME that is dying..."
Hi BryM,
Some people don't handle death well. It bring out the comedian in them.
1/ i love you
2/ i love you
3/ i love you
4/ when i close my eyes i still see you around for quite some time to come my friend.... and i have a knack for this sort of thing.
5/ tell linday i love her
6/ give lindsay a scratch and a doggie treat from me.
7/ i love you (just in case you forgot)
xx me
ohhhhh eeek LOLOL
4/ Tell 'LINDA' not 'linday' hee hee i was thinking of both of the girls hee sooo sorry LINDA
xxxxxx
me
who should proof read a little more :)
p.s still love you
I see me around for quite some time too, Sweet Mango.
With all my affairs in order.
It seems like a life time of wise choices have left you in relatively good shape. The first thing that happened when I opened this post was that I felt that positive healing energy that Bonnie spoke of. And I too love your new header.
Condos can be nice, you can spend all you like at the computer not having to worry about the garden.
I came via Small foot prints re your comment on a vegan recipe.
My second daughter has become a vegetarain. Some times I cook some beans for her.
You can use can beans or if you are like me, soak up some beans, any type.
brown some chopped garlic, onions, ginger in veg oil. (All these spices are good for you.)
add the soften beans, add some tumeric powder, (supposed to be for for anti cancer)
add salt to taste.
add water. ( I was told, to cook beans, boil for ten minutes)
then simmer until soft.
You may like to add tomato paste or chopped tomatoes.
Eat with rice, or a wrap.
Keep well. Condos are not too bad, many of my Singaporeon friends live in Condos.
A wee wave from Scotia Barry, and a reminder that even if i'm not about you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers
Deep breath here Barry, it is such a tiresome and hateful task to be attended to, but once all is in place a sense of relief and great comfort, something less to be concerned over and time to concentrate on each other without further concerns. As you are aware we also had to deal with all this, far earlier than we ever imagined and I have for sometime now taken over all finacial affairs and have also had drawn a 'power of attorney' which enables me to deal with all Hamada's affairs.(I am learning fast!) Even having a new will drawn for me, to protect our sons incase of my demise also. It is not what we wish to be doing is it, but a very necessary task. We send our very best wishes to you both and hope all can be attended to quickly and efficiently. Then you can return to making everyday the masterpiece you do.
And Dear Linda, It all makes sense to me...so like a rollercoaster you wish to get off, but can't. Hospital, drugs, chemo, clinics,solicitors,banks, tests and more tests. Hamada can do very little now. We make the most we can of our days and we do it all with love don't we, for our wonderful men. Sending hugs to you.
"Then go to sleep at night feeling I've been highly discourteous to a vast number of people whose blogs I love but missed this time around."
I had to giggle, because you know EXACTLY the feeling I'm talking about. :^)
Hope you're having a good day, Barry. ~x
I'm praying that you get this all squared away and then go on to live many years.
My two cents on the more prosaic details of this:
I'd scrap the landline - we got rid of ours years ago. Who needs it?
Some condos do indeed accept dogs.
I'm confused about the medical coverage part - as you know, I'm teaching a course on health care reform in the US, and I thought all Canadians had coverage through the government. This implies it's done through the workplace?
Hi Forest. Universal Medical Insurance in Canada is a little misleading.
It doesn't cover Dentists, for example, or Opticians, or prescription drugs, or Naturopathic Doctors etc. These are usually covered by most work benefit packages.
i keep you in my heart Barry <3
and trust that you are following yours x
(Ps) Sweetmango really does know such things x
I don't doubt that at all Nolly.
Watch for Putting My Affairs In Order Part2 on Thursday.
Silent only from a loss for words, but thinking of you both, in the chemo and in the complex decisions to be made.
As a single parent I put off (superstitiously) writing a will until my lawyer was pointedly stern about it. Then faced my fears and got it done, which was better in every way.
Blessings,
F
Hi Barry~ I've enjoyed meeting you through your comments on others' blogs and today on mine. I wanted to stop by yours, too. What I saw were your strength, warmth, frustration, courage, resilience, humor, great writing skills, logic. I see you have a wonderful, supportive wife as well as friends and bloggers and that you appear to be the head of your family of origin.
Would you be willing to go to Sloane-Kettering in New York for another opinion? Are you getting radiation (to stop the spreading) as well as chemo? Can you keep food down after the chemo?
Can you enlist the aid of these bankers, lawyers, etc. in getting this paperwork done? You seem to have made many important decisions already.
Do you remember the story of Norman Cousins? Upon learning of his cancer, he rented a stack of comedies and spent days just laughing at them. It seemed to help him.
Barry, I wish you healing and peace. Your friend, Margaret
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. Stay strong....
This whole post is sad and brings me to tears. All I can say is thank God I can cry. That I am capable of loving a stranger and his wife. And I am capable of crying on his behalf. And that the tears can be shared now in life and not alone when you are gone. This is what putting your affairs in order means to me.
the film of your solders was really beautiful.
Barry, oh, gosh, I have been wanting to ask you how you're doing, but didn't want to intrude. Thank you for sharing this with us. I think you can see you have a lot of support here. Putting your affairs in order is a good idea, but don't stress about it, or expend too much energy on it. You don't need that right now.
I expect to see you around the blogs for quite a while longer...!
Me too Jo.
And with me you can always feel free to ask.
The stress that come naturally with putting your affairs in order are that once a process gets started, each aspect begins to impact on others and lawyers begin calling to ask if you've heard back from financial advisers and financial advisers want to know if the auditors have gotten back yet to your HR department.
Still, this will all be over with by the end of the month (hopefully) and then our affairs will be in order. And we can forget about them.
Barry ... very difficult stuff ... I keep putting most of it off.
Why is your medical coverage running out? Do you not have long-term disability on this plan?
*sob* . . . :-(
No Daria, I'm over 65 and, although I paid into LTD for 30 years, I lost the right to it under our collective agreement when I turned 65.
As Kat says, "SOB!"
Cheer up Kathryn. And check my blog out on Thursday for a different view.
Oh I never thought of that ... darn it!
Dearest Barry,
I am sending you my best, and praying for you. I am sure this must be very difficult, especially with how tough you are saying it is to get the financial people to get back with you.
Your legacy reaches so much farther and deeper than you might realize.
Hugs from Texas,
Jen
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